HUMOUR - pg 1
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Writing Hymns is Harder Than I Thought
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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic and Orthodox: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and
seven to say how
much they liked the old one better.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in
favor of or
against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have
found light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem
or
compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light
bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in
which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,
fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid
paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright,
dull, or
completely out, you are loved -- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or
tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August 26.
Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
Church of Christ: None. It's not in the New Testament.
Cumberland Presbyterian: Change? My grandfather put that
light bulb in,
and it has worked fine. Why do we need a new one?
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*HYMNS FOR SPEEDERS*
Now, for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns for you:
45 mph.................God Will Take Care of You
55 mph.................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph.................Nearer My God to Thee
75 mph.................Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph.................This World Is Not My Home
95 mph.................Lord, I'm Coming Home
and over 100 mph.......Precious Memories
sent by Marian Steeper
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The Dentist's Hymn:.....................Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn.............There Shall Be Showers of Blessing
The Contractor's Hymn................The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn........................Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn.......................There is A Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn..................Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn..............Open My Eyes That I Might See
The CCRA Auditor's Hymn.........I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn......................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn................Send the Light
The Shopper's Hymn...................Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn.....................I've Got A Mansion Just Over the Hilltop
The Pilot's Hymn.........................I'll Fly Away
The Paramedic's Hymn...............Revive Us Again
The Judge's Hymn......................Almost Persuaded
The Psychiatrist's Hymn.............Just A Little Talk With Jesus
The Architect's Hymn.................How Firm A Foundation
The Credit Card Telemarketer's Hymn...A Charge To Keep I Have
The Zookeeper's Hymn..............All Creatures of Our God and King
The Postal Worker's Hymn.........So Send I You
The Waiter's Hymn.....................Fill My Cup, Lord
The Gardener's Hymn.................Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming
The Lifeguard's Hymn................Rescue the Perishing
The Criminal's Hymn.................Search Me, O God
The Baker's Hymn.....................When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder
The Shoe Repairer's Hymn........It Is Well With My Soul
The Travel Agent's Hymn..........Anywhere With Jesus
The Geologist's Hymn................Rock of Ages
The Haematologist's Hymn........Are You Washed in the Blood?
The Men's Wear Clerk's Hymn...Blest Be the Tie
The Umpire's Hymn....................I Need No Other Argument
The Librarian's Hymn.................Whispering Hope
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1."Just A 'Slower' Walk With Thee"
2. "It Is Well With My Soul", But My Knees Hurt
3. "Nobody Knows The Trouble I 'Have Seeing'"
4. "Precious Lord, Take My Hand", And Help Me Up
5. "Count Your Many 'Birthdays', Count Them One By One"
6. "Go Tell It On A Mountain", But Speak Up
7. "Give Me The Old 'Timers' Religion"
8. "Blessed 'Insurance'"
9. "Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah",
I've Forgotten Where I've Parked The Car
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Cows, Corn and Choruses
by Bob Kauflin, PDI Ministries
It's hard to be a Christian in the United States and not
be aware of the "worship wars" over musical style (for more
about "worship wars," see my earlier column, Why Truth Is
Better Than Trends.) Whether your preference in worship
music leans to traditional, classical, urban, Celtic, rock,
pop, or something else, nearly everyone has an opinion about
style. So, for the next few columns, we'll survey a
well-trod battlefield: hymns vs. praise choruses.
You may have seen the following story in your email
recently. If I knew who wrote it, I'd tell you, but the
author's name was long gone by the time it got to me ...
An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended
the big-city church. He came home and his wife asked him how
it was.
"Well," said the farmer, "It was good.
But they did
something different. They sang praise choruses instead of
hymns."
"Praise choruses," said his wife, "What are those?"
"Oh, they're OK. They're sort of like hymns, only
different," said the farmer.
"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.
The farmer said, "Well it's like this: If I said
to you:
'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well, that would be a
hymn. On the other hand, if I said to you:
'Martha Martha, Martha, Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the
cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the
white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS
are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in
the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN' Then, if I were to repeat
the whole thing two or three times, well that would be a
praise chorus."
An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church.
He came home and his wife asked him how it was. "Well," said the
farmer, "It
was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses
instead of hymns."
"Praise choruses," said his wife, "What are those?"
"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like hymns, only
different," said the
farmer.
"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.
The farmer said, "Well it's like this - If I were
to say to you:
'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that would be a hymn.
If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:
'Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows,
the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows,
the
COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in
the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN,'
Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well that would
be a praise chorus."
******
Now, the rebuttal, so to speak:
A young, new Christian went to his local church usually,
but one weekend
attended a small town church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.
"Well," said the young man, "It was good.
They did something different,
however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs."
"Hymns," said his wife, "What are those?"
"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like regular songs,
only different," said
the young man.
"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.
The young man said, "Well it's like this - If I were
to say to you:
'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that would be a regular song.
If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:
Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry
Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth.
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by
To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.
For the way of the animals who can explain
There in their heads is no shadow of sense,
Hearkenest they in God's sun or his rain
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.
Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight,
Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night
They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.
So look to that bright shining day by and by,
Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn.
Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.
"Then, if I were to do only verses one, three and
four and do a key
change on the last verse, well that would be a hymn."
Source: sent to me by various friends via email
10 Keyboard player tips
From: dthwaites@rheintal.ch (Zozzy)
10 Things for Keyboard Players to do at worship rehearsals
(to test the fruit of patience in the others lives)
(Dont take this seriously, folks!)
1. Complain loudly because "this isnt the synth I'd normally use"
2. Look nonplussed when the guitarist plays an 'anointed' solo
3. Say "I've got just the sound this track needs!"
Then spend 20
minutes trying to find it!
4. Demand that the keyboard is louder/the guitars are quieter/the
drummer clears off altogether
5. Play really big chords with the MegaUniversePad-style
patch in the
acoustic guitar solos
6. Blame everything on last nights unsuccessful MIDI dump. Really
7. Seem creatively pensive, but then only play the Hammond organ patch
8. Play a dub bass line while the bassist is working out
his Pastorius
jazz extravaganza
9. Put in some barely audible harp sounds to see if the
others claim
to have heard "angels" joining in (Um, no definitely dont!)
10. Ever bother turning up to the rehearsal in the first place
Enjoy but really DONT do that harp thing!
Zozzy
Re: more Keyboard tips (humor)
From: james@pcocd2.intel.com (James T. Roberts - MD6 ~)
11. Play an ascending Blues line every time the vocals
hold a long note or
rest, regardless of the song (i.e. "And I ex-a-alt Thee [da-da-dadadada-
da-da-da], I ex-a-alt thee [dadadadada-da-dada da]).
12. Use the guitar patches on your keyboard. Ask the guitarists
why their
guitar sounds clash with yours so much.
13. Split the keyboard so your right and left sides use
different patches.
Accidentally play chords across the dividing line so that your 7th's are
half-cello, half-electric piano.
14. Turn on a different rhythm pattern during every song.
Say you're trying
to help out the drummer.
15. Play a section with the sustain pedal. Get comfortable.
Forget your foot
is there.
16. "That isn't the way the Maranatha book does it."
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SUNDAY SCHOOL HUMOR
A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question: "Boys and girls,
what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten
boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know ... Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "